Run The Numbers

NBA Eastern Conference Record: 562-545 (.508)

NBA Western Conference Record:  541-558 (.492)

FACT:  In two years the NBA East will be ruling basketball in America.

Run The Numbers

Phish Tries to Compete with the Colombians

Number of years Phish has been a band: 20

Avg number of shows/year as a band: 15

Street value of illegal drugs confiscated at last Phish concert:  $1,200,000

Avg street value of illegal drugs confiscated from a Phish concert:  $700,000 (after adjusting for inflation)

Likely street value of drugs done at all Phish concerts ever:  $210,000,000

Colombian drug traficking money exchanged every year:  $100,000,000,000

Number of concerts Phish would have to do a year to equal the drug traffic of Colombia:  7143 (19 concerts/day)

That's a lot of weed.

EXCLUSIVE PROGRAM FROM MARTHA STEWART FUNERAL!!!

Tree Man: an exclusive interview

Recently a THE MICHAEL REPORT correspondent sat down with Dede "Tree Man" for an exclusive interview.  The Tree Man has never been interviewed or filmed before by any other news outlet.  A portion of the interview is contained below:

Covered in root-like nasty scab things, Dede enters the interview room and sits down on the chair provided.

TMR:  Mr Tree Man, it's nice to meet you, thank you for agreeing to leave the enchanted forest to speak with us.

Tree:  Ok.

TMR:  Let's start with how you got your name.  

Tree:  Well, I look exactly like a tree, I guess.

TMR:  And "Dede" means tree?  Is that elvish or something?

Tree:  What?

TMR:  How was it working with Peter Jackson and the hobbits?

Tree:  Ummm

TMR:  My favorite is the part where you are throwing the boulders at the tower with the bad wizard in it.  And then that other tree man is lit on fire and is all running around.  That part is HILARIOUS.

Tree:  I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.  

TMR:  I hear you've been offered a position as the new spokesman for the US Forest Service.  Do you feel at all intimidated taking the place of Smokey the Bear?  As a tree, I'm sure you feel very strongly about preventing forest fires.

Tree:  I'm not a real tree.

TMR:  Like you're actually a shrub or something?

Tree:  Ok, I think I'm done here.

True to form Tree Man "Dede" was elusive and mysterious in our interview.  We will probably never know what, exactly, makes the Tree Man tick, but one thing is certain: that dude is freaking nasty looking.

The Daniel Report

Dear Readers,

As THE MICHAEL REPORT has now officially reached international status (I have one reader in Utah), there has been an overwhelming demand, from the readers, to comment on news reported here at THE MICHAEL REPORT. 

One such fan has created his own blog. thedanielbrief.blogspot.com

I hope after catching up on reports found in THE MICHAEL REPORT, you will travel to The Daniel Report and express how you interpret each posting found within THE MICHAEL REPORT.

-Thank You

Woman Gives Birth to Cute Baby Elephant

According to sources at The Daniel Report, a Michigan woman gave birth to a cute baby elephant in her two wombs this week.  The chances of a human being giving birth to an elephant are slim, experts say.  One physician questioned put the chances at, "zero".

News of the birth has raised questions on the ethics of fertility treatments.  Should the federal government really be paying for trans-species births in the US?  It is the opinion of the Michael Report that funding should only be provided for humans giving birth to humans.  Opponents of this viewpoint contend that a mother can love her elephant or giraffe child as much as she could a human.  The Michael Report believes that it is government's duty to protect the definition of "birth" as existing between a mother and her SAME SPECIES child.  If we enlarge the legal rights of a mother to include children from another species what would stop people from adopting their televisions or staplers?  

The Michael Report appreciates that animal children are born the way they are and there is nothing they can do to become human.  Proponents of human therapy programs have yet to be very successful in humanizing their patients.  The Michael Report also has no doubt that human parents can love their non-human offspring very much, but a line must be drawn.  Should a mother be able to visit her child at the veterenarian's office or claim it as a dependent on income taxes?

There is much debate to come regarding trans-species births.  Funds used on trans-species births would be more useful in research on bulletproof weave research and developing male brazier technologies.  Until more is known about the effects of humans parenting elephants it is most safe to protect the status quo and deny legal recognition to the parental rights of humans and cute baby elephants.